I’m really not political. I mean, I keep up with current events and what’s going on in the world, but for the most part, I keep my opinions to myself. I pretty much watched the debate because I find it comical and because it was on last night in place of The Goldbergs (I freakin’ love this show). Throughout the night, I couldn’t help but think how it would go down if two of our country’s greatest presidents were to debate. I know they didn’t run against each other, they didn’t even live in the same century. GDubs won unanimously in 1789 and then kept it going until he left office in 1797. Abe was the head honcho from 1861-1865. You learned something new today.
Of course if it took place in history, no one would be watching it on TV and you wouldn’t have to read Facebook commentary from your elementary school teacher’s husband’s friend’s cousin, who evidently got a degree in political science from the University of Nowhere. But can’t you just see Paul Revere riding on a horse through America yelling “THE DEBATE IS COMING” to get everyone pumped up? Maybe I thought about this way too much. Actually, I probably spent more timing thinking about WWGD (What Would George Do, besides roll in his grave regarding this election) than I did on the actual debate. Here’s what would probably go down if Honest Abe and the First Prez went head-to-head in modern times.
Abe: I will not tell a lie.
GDubs: That’s what they all say, Abe. Besides, why do you wear such a large hat? Is it filled with secret notes that should have been kept in a smaller hat?
Abe: Everything about this hat has proven to be legal. No important notes were stored in this large hat. You were the one to cut down a cherry tree! Was that to demonstrate your stance on the environment and global warming?
GDubs: That is a false accusation and it has been debunked numerous times. I would never do such a thing to a cherry tree. There already is a solution to global warming though, Abe. All of the heat gets sucked into your hat instead of the atmosphere. Problem solved.
Abe: George wears wooden teeth, a wig, and puts powder on his face. Do we really want someone like that to run this country?
GDubs: I do not wear a wig this is my natural hair. I have a note from my dentist showing that my physical strength and stamina are extraordinary. I will be the healthiest president to ever live.
Abe: Four score and seven years ago, George built a house using wood from the west instead of using wood produced right here, in this great country of America. Shame on you, George. I for one was born and raised in a log cabin made from Kentucky’s own finest wood.
GDubs: Abraham Lincoln is a Vampire Slayer.
Thomas Jefferson (Debate Moderator): I’m sorry, but the question asked was “What is your favorite Thanksgiving side dish?”