I know I posted yesterday, but I have to keep loyal to the name and intention of this blog, so sorry if you’re sick of me.
I get a lot of feedback about being positive. I haven’t always been this way. My family would say that before all of this, the first words out of my mouth after walking in the door were a complaint. Usually it was “I’m hungry.” My perspective has changed though. To me now, there is no reason to have negative energy in my body. That’s not to say I still don’t complain about being hungry, but I don’t feel the need to complain as much because despite the obvious craziness going on, my life is good.
The days after chemo are usually not the best days. But I expect that. I don’t think there is anyone on this planet who has had chemo and the next day says “wow I feel as good as Michael Phelps did when he won his 23rd gold medal.” Heck, I don’t think there’s anyone who’s ever said “I feel awesome!” But what do I know, if you do feel this way reach out and tell me your secrets.
I haven’t really expected bad days on the days not following chemo. Today, though, I would consider it to be a “bad day.” Daniel Powter was totally right when he said “you had a bad day, the camera don’t lie.” My mom immediately asked if I was feeling ok this morning because of how I looked. I’m tired even though I got a solid nine hours of sleep last night and had a large Dunkin Donuts coffee this morning. I haven’t ran in a week and I have no desire to do so. I had a huge knot in my hair, and in the process of trying to comb it out, I had to say goodbye to a lot of innocent bystranders (lol get it, bystanders and strands of hair. ha ha). I unfortunately had to take a shower because I’m going to work later and I watched as bigger-than-usual clumps of hair gathered around the drain to have a going away party. My younger brother has nick-named these clumps “Katie Clumps” because anywhere in the house you can find a little piece of me laying around. I am the new dust bunny. Wig appointments are in my very near future, which I know is going to be fun, but it’s daunting to think about.
I’m accepting it though. Not every day is going to be perfect and I can’t expect it to be. But, really good things can still happen on a “bad day.” As I was checking out my hair in the mirror this morning, I noticed something on my neck. I’ve always had a freckle in the middle of the bottom of my neck (I don’t have a lot of freckles so I pretty much know exactly where each one is located). Due to all the inflammation from the lump on my neck, the skin was pulled and the freckle actually shifted to the side of the lump. Today, the freckle is back in the space it started, the middle of my neck. After each chemo, I could tell that the swelling was going down remarkably, and now I don’t even think there’s anything left of it (I say that with caution because we won’t know for sure until a scan is done). But, even if my hair is falling out at the same alarming rate that bees are dying, I guess that only means that the chemo is working. And I will accept that with open arms.
On one of the worst days I’ve had in awhile, something pretty cool still happened. I know this won’t happen every time a bad day comes up, but I’ll keep my balding head high. And who knows what could happen at work today, maybe I’ll get better at steaming or ripping the receipt paper off the machine. The day is still young.