The Fifth Tuesday: We Talk About the Week that Made Me Stronger

It’s a rainy Tuesday today, which reminds me of college. Every Tuesday in Newark, DE, without fail, it rained cats and dogs. It was the weirdest phenomenon, besides the Techno Bus Driver, who after losing his bus, just started walking up and down Main St. looking for a good time.

Anyway, I realized that Hillary Clinton and I have a lot more in common than originally thought. Besides having an undeniable love for a good pantsuit and being total #BossBitches (political thoughts aside, she gets it done), we both had a really sucky week. Going into last Tuesday, the odds were both in our favor. The polls showed she was gonna be the first Lady president, and every previous week of chemo led me to believe that this one would be no different: a couple days of manageable nausea and I’d be back to normal. But, obviously, things never go as planned.

That Tuesday morning started off GREAT for both of us. Hillz went to vote with her head held high and waited for the numbers to start rolling in. Me and my mom headed into the city, hit no traffic despite commuting in the middle of NYC morning rush hour, and we were out of there in record timing. Things were going our way for once. But then things started to go downhill, fast.

As that Nasty Woman watched states turn red, this Nasty Woman watched her face turn green. The nausea hit way earlier and harder than usual, I was more tired than a sloth. I went into my bed that night and didn’t emerge until Saturday morning.

On top of this, my counts had hit a new low and I was considered to be “severely neutropenic” with a WBC count of 200 (normal is 4500-10000) so yea, that’s low low low low low low low (in T-Pain voice). When this happens, you have to give yourself injections of a medicine, called Neupogen, a granulocyte colony stimulating factor, which basically means it just makes your WBC grow and boost your count. I wanted to be fancy and use my nursey terms because I actually miss talking like that :/. The shots were nothing, I pricked myself with three different needles a day for two weeks when I was freezing my eggs, so this was a walk in the park. What I feared however, was the potential side effects. On top of feeling like actual dog poo, paralyzing bone pain was in the back of my mind all week. I was so anxious about waking up and being in pain that I could barely sleep, I hesitated with the shots, researching if I really needed them (I did). Neupogen was on my side this time, and I only experienced some minor back pain, and I have never been so thankful for back pain in my life.

I spent last week with the Girls, the Gilmore Girls that is. I have already seen this show twice through, but it just makes ya feel good. Rory and Lorelai’s mother-daughter relationship would definitely send the normal child to need rigorous therapy, but hey it’s TV! And whoever wrote this show just gets my humor. I watched so much last week that I have dreams, and nightmares, about them. Some would say I have a problem, I say I’m on a mission.

All in all, last week sucked. I could barely manage to keep down toast and and wasted so much Vitamin Water because after a few sips it tasted like that pink bubble gum medicine they gave you when you were little (I was reminded that VW is not cheap so I will try to finish them next time, sry mom). I was suppose to work on Friday and had to call out, which is something I never do. I once threw up during a night shift last summer because it messed with my body so bad and I still stayed at work. And worst of all, I missed pocketbook bingo with my family. Not that I would’ve won anything because I’m not lucky at all, but it was something to do.

Although this week will go down in history like Rudolph, (right above the time I pulled an all nighter for a test and then the classroom flooded so it got rescheduled for two days later but I had another test the next day and then had to study for the other test after that test lol college man), it will make me stronger. Hopefully this will be the worst chemo out of the bunch, but now I know that I can’t expect every week of chemo to be a cake walk, even though that sounds delicious. And maybe that was why it was so bad. I had felt surprisingly good in the days after chemo previously, so the shock of actually feeling bad could have attributed to why I felt like shoe scum. I am now not afraid of the big fat Neupogen shot, and can understand that it is to help me, not hurt me (kinda like chemo). I know what anti nausea medicines work and what don’t. When you get upset, things start to snowball, so aside from being upset about feeling sick, I started to get upset thinking about all the things I’ve been missing out on and what my life would be like if My Craigslist Roommate from Hell never moved in. I wanted to forget about this past week and act like it didn’t happen. But instead, I’m going to embrace it. I will embrace that fact that for some reason the smell of rubbing alcohol makes me want to vomit. I will embrace the fact that I didn’t comb my hair once and stayed in the same pair of joggers last week. I’m allowed to be upset sometimes, but I do not dwell. I look forward to the days ahead of me, which include babysitting, working at the store, my first full body scan since starting chemo, a visit from three special school friends on Sunday, a rainy day with the Gilmore Girls, and wig shopping. I think about what I am learning from this bump in the road. Chemo is not easy and it is certainly not predictable, but I am a strong, independent woman and I will get through the rough weeks that feel like week-long hangovers with resilience. I won’t let my stupid roommate have the satisfaction of making me upset. As the original American Idol would say, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Hell yea, Kelly Clarkson.

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Stay dry today, hunnies!!!! And I hope you’re all starting to prepare for Thanksgiving next week, or maybe it’s just me who traines her body so she can eat the most amount of food possible. Idk.

Even though I dissed pizza last week, I will always love you

3 thoughts on “The Fifth Tuesday: We Talk About the Week that Made Me Stronger

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