The Twenty-Fifth Tuesday: We Talk About ‘Scanxiety’

Hello from the Sunshine State!!!! Florida does not live down its nickname because I am coming home the same color as a grilled hot dog.

Posted up poolside writing this blog

I’m writing this as I soak in the last couple of hours of 85 degree weather I’ll be seeing until summer time in NJ, and I hope you’re jealous. The past five days have been filled with light work outs (light because doing anything else in this heat would cause me to become Spongebob when he needs water), a lot of rest and relaxation, and a heavy amount of eating. My jeans may be a little tighter after this trip, but my heart is happy and at least I’ll be tan so who cares.

This week was a much needed break from my very busy lifestyle. Netflix marathons and walking around the mall have really taken a toll on my body. But really, although I don’t do much of anything, just getting away from the house I have spent pretty much every day in for the past seven or so months has been good for me. And for my mom too.

It has served as a much needed distraction for me as well, considering my scans are later this week. I’ve known the date for months now and have tried to push it to the back of my mind as long as possible. Easier said than done. But now that I have gotten the call confirming my appointment, the possibility of being told my roommate has moved out, or that he’s paying an extra month’s rent, is all too real.

I have a case of scanxiety. 

Scanxiety: (noun) \skan-zi-etee\: the feeling of uneasiness waiting for scans after cancer treatment

I had scanxiety going into my first set of scans back in November, but not as much as I do now. I think back then I knew that if something wasn’t how we wanted it to be, I still had four more months of chemo to do it’s job. But the scans came back, well, pretty damn good. So in reality, there shouldn’t be any surprises this time around. However, there is still a piece in the back of my mind that tells me “hold your horses hunnie, you aren’t in the clear just yet.” And one negative thought can really dismiss all the good ones you have.

For weeks and weeks whenever this pestering, annoying thought popped up in my head, I took deep breathes and said “NOT TODAY.” And that would help me for a couple hours until the thought came back, so I just pushed and pushed until it went away. They try and tell you “out of sight, out of mind,” but I’m pretty sure the dimwits that came up with that phrase didn’t have any problems and were just saying that to try and make someone else feel better. That phrase does not help. At least it doesn’t help me.

I will say that the art of distraction does really help. I’ve read five books since chemo ended, caught up on all my shows, worked out, online shopped a lot, and enjoyed my time in Florida. All of these things helped me forget about the Big Scan and let me focus on healing.

Actually, Florida has been real good to me. I think my body was meant to thrive in the hot weather beeeeecauseee: all of a sudden my eyebrows have begun to sprout at fast, and almost alarming, rates. I was not prepared to have to start thinking about my first eye brow wax appointment and how glorious the reunion between my lady and I will be. I had to SHAVE MY LEGS which I have not had to do in I don’t even know how long. One night in Florida and I turned into Sasquatch. And my hair is really starting to grow back. It looks like kiwi fuzz, but that’s better than no hair.

See that? I just distracted you from thinking about my scans too, what a strategy!!!

So even though Florida has proven to be where I think I should spend the rest of my life, my Scanxiety is still through the roof. It’s scary. And even though I always try and stay positive, sometimes those negative Nancy thoughts come charging through, and I kinda just have to let Nancy dance around my brain for a bit. But when the song is over, I booty-bump her off the dance floor to make room for positive Polly and her posse of positive people, so that I can have good thoughts going into my last dance. I mean scans.

Thank you to my Aunt Pat and Uncle Jogn for showing us an amazing time in Florida and for letting me eat all of your food. And to my Aunt Nina for being a fun travel partner, but you need to sit on the plane next to mom on the way home. ๐Ÿ™‚

Cheers to a little R&R and cheers to hopefully taking the best selfie ever later this week. (That selfie is the scan in case you didn’t get that lol)

*update*: our flight home keeps getting delayed so that means more sun time. I ain’t mad about it ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜œ

Wendy ๐Ÿ’œ

2 thoughts on “The Twenty-Fifth Tuesday: We Talk About ‘Scanxiety’

  1. You have a true gift of prose. I never met you but I hope I do one day! Your clever and cheerful way of documenting a struggle is an inspiration to many. I wish you all the best.


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