It’s been over a month since I last blogged and I am so sorry to my loyal fans. I think I reached the level of fame where I found it acceptable to take a hiatus from the blogger life. Like how Britney Spears went AWHOL in 2007. I mean, I didn’t have a break down or anything, but both me and her did shave our heads, so it’s kinda comparable.Anyway, I haven’t been writing because I’ve just been kinda enjoying my life. I’ve been busy with work and weekend plans and adjusting to my life after cancer. And yea, there is an adjustment.
I spent six months doing pretty much absolutely nothing. The most eventful days were Tuesdays when I went to get chemo. Like how depressing is that. But honestly, I was drained. Physically from the actual chemo. Emotionally, I was stressed out and in a constant state of worry. Having fun wasn’t my first priority. Getting healthy was. Do I wish I did more while going through chemo? Sure. Maybe I could’ve gone out more or done other activities, but to me the risk of getting sick wasn’t worth it. I could go the duration of chemo laying low, knowing that when it was over I would take advantage of every opportunity I could.
And that’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve been saying yes to so much. My weekends since April have been pretty much packed. Weddings, plans with friends and family, and this past weekend I ventured to the Woodlands for Firefly Music Festival. Which was amazing. Despite the lack of personal hygiene and smelling like a garbage person and having peanut butter sandwiches for two meals a day for four days and sleeping in a tent that could double as a cult-like sweat lodge, it was one of the best weekends of my life. I spent it with some of my best friends. I listened to great music. I lived my best life.
It was something that I’ve always wanted to do, but because of summer jobs and whatever else, I never committed. But when the line up was released earlier this year, I decided to go for it. I was still going through chemo, but in my mind I was already past it. I was looking to the future for what I would do afterwards. I set goals. Having plans gave me something to look forward to on the days of nausea that I thought would never end.
And as I take part in these plans, they meet and even exceed my expectations. They make me happy. They make me feel like my life is going back to normal.
As I adjust to what life was before, I realize that life will never be exactly the same. There will always be a little sense of worry in the back of my mind. It doesn’t occupy much of my thoughts, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t rub my hand over the spots where there were lumps before. I would be lying if I said that every time I wake up in a pool of sweat it doesn’t freak me out. I would be lying if when I spiked a fever a couple weeks ago, I was convinced the cancer had come back.
I take deep breaths though and remember that I am getting scans every three months over the next year. That if anything were to happen (even though I know deep down I am totally fine) they would pick up on it quickly. It will all be ok.
But life will also never be exactly the same because I have a new appreciation for it. Life is so short. So I’m livin’ it.
I’m happier. I care less about the little things. I take advantage of more opportunities. I’m living a better life.I don’t feel as isolated as I did during chemo, which has improved every aspect of my well-being.
Adjustment after chemo is something that people don’t really talk about. I think everyone is just so happy to be done and we’re so grateful that it’s over that we just try and move on. There’s a lot of talk about how we feel when we’re diagnosed and when we’re going through treatment, but not much about what’s next. I honestly thought that I would finish chemo and my life would go back to normal like magic. Wishful thinking.
I finished chemo almost four months ago and I’m still adjusting. It took more than half that time to get my energy back. It took six weeks to be comfortable eating the foods I wasn’t allowed to eat. It will take a lifetime for me to be able to eat a cranberry turkey wrap. It took a lot of time to be comfortable in my body again. Chemo messed with everything from my hair to my hormones to my skin and after it emptied out of my body, everything came back full force. I broke out with acne like I was in high school all over again, My periods came back with a vengeance (not embarrassed to discuss this bc I am a WOMAN), I have this weird peach fuzz covering my face and it’s at the point where my little brother told me I need to shave last night. Attractive! Just what every girl wants to hear. However, he did tell me he would teach me so idk I guess that’s kind. I have become comfortable, and actually have taken a liking to my short hair. In the past month, I have stopped wearing my wig completely. My hair is growing back so fast it’s kinda scary. It went from being this cute little mohawk pixie cut to a poofy ball of fuzz in the matter of days. It’s ok though. It’s too freakin’ hot for that thing in the summer. Imagine wearing one of those British Royal Guards hats while it’s 100 degrees out. That’s how it feels when I wear it on any day over 65.All in all, I feel fantastic. Super healthy and energized and happy. The life I’m living is the life I imagined I’d be living when I was bed ridden for the days after chemo, binge-watching Gilmore Girls and fantasizing about sushi. And I’m gonna keep living it the way I am. Glad to be back writing on this beautiful Tuesday. Cheers to whooping it up!!!!!!!