I know, I know. It’s been a long time. But that’s not for a lack of trying. I have drafts saved from every week I’ve missed writing. I just couldn’t put together my thoughts in a cohesive way (not that these posts are very cohesive but I just couldn’t get past the first line. I couldn’t even think of a title). July went by faster than I could even finish my hot dog, and that stresses me out.
I handle stress either really well or really poor. I handle stress that has a deadline like it’s my job (which as a nurse it kind of is lol). If I had a paper due or a test or my patient during clinical had eight medications to be given at once, you bet I handled that pretty well. It’s not that it didn’t give me anxiety or it wasn’t hard, but that stress burned a fire under my butt to get it done. When there’s a time limit or a definitive end to the stress, I figure out how to deal with it and I deal. I actually like being under pressure in some situations. I like working under a deadline, I did much better on tests that I crammed for. It’s just how I am.
But stress that has an unknown end? That freaks me out. For most of this summer, this stress has stemmed from not having a set job. I knew I would get one, I knew it would happen, but I wanted to know when. I wanted an exact start date. I wanted to know what floor. And I didn’t have that.
Starting a job for me is the marker that will start my next chapter. It’s not just a job like it was last year. It’s the start of something new. It’s picking up where I left off. When I start to work, I’ll move into the city, and I’ll be able to fully move on. It’s a chapter I’ve been looking forward to. But I’ve also enjoyed my time to relax this summer. I needed it.
The stress of not knowing when this next chapter will start has caused me major anxiety. It was all I could think about. I worked myself up both physically and emotionally. Yoga five times a week has only been a temporary fix to my problems. As soon as I say “namaste,” my thoughts say “heyyyyyyyyyy” and then I’m just like damn. Funny story though. I once walked out of yoga and was headed to the beach (this is my summer R U JEALOUS???) and I looked at my car and I had a PARKING TICKET. No worse way to ruin your “om” than a freaking parking ticket because you stayed in child’s pose a little too long (12 minutes).
Back to my point. This stress has been eating at me. I’ve developed unhealthy coping habits like eating a lot even though I’m not hungry (which is what I do any given day but now it’s over the top), my skin has broken out, and I just hold it all the stress in. And then I hit a breaking point. Which was a couple days ago while I was trying to sleep. However I am proud of myself because I didn’t resort to biting my nails like I used to do! Success.
I can look at the way I’m acting and tell myself I’m being completely ridiculous. I really can. But when I let all these stupid scenarios play over and over again in my head, they seem totally plausible. Like, yea, I think I could spend the rest of my life on my mom’s couch. Right, mom? I just have to keep thinking good thoughts. Obviously I am going to find a job. Obviously it’s all going to work out.
And it did… 🙂 🙂 🙂
I let my stress get the best of me. And I let it get in the way of my relaxing summer. You would’ve thought I learned from the scanxiety post. But I didn’t. Better luck next time!!!!!!
This week is a big one for me. During this week last year my life went from 0 to 100 in the matter of 2 days. My biopsy was done a year ago from tomorrow and I got a confirmed diagnosis on the eighteenth. I’ll be reflecting and thinking and writing all what’s going on in this noggin, so look out for another post later this week!!!
I’m blessing your hearts with two posts this week because My writer’s block is gone!!!!!!!
Also, it’s raining. Why do is it always raining on Tuesdays when I write??